Feature: HULLAH Decodes “What if i feel like this my whole life?”
Can you tell us about the inspiration behind "What if i feel like this my whole life?" and the story it tells?
This was one of those songs that seemed to come out fully formed. I was improvising melodies to a looped section of the instrumental I’d made and “What if i feel like this my whole life?” just fell out of my mouth. I’ve learnt to trust those moments when they happen so I stuck with that and it became the concept and refrain.
When I was working on the production, and later while mixing the song, I was using this term I’d come up with to steer me: ‘Sad Dub Disco’. I was trying to find a way to bridge some really dark emotions with the music I was inspired by at the time. Coming out of the tail end of the pandemic, I was listening to a lot of disco, downtempo tracks and remixes, including dubs. I like to think maybe that I’d create an album or a project in this area in the future. It seems to sum up pretty nicely what I am trying to make.
The song though is existential, and like most of my other tracks, is introspective. In the lyrics I’ve been honest about my struggles with my mental and physical health. Music making gives me the opportunity to make sense of the two and helps me achieve some kind of perspective on myself and my life. Music is therapy for me. I was going to say free therapy but we all know how much it costs to create and release music…
I’m always really interested in the idea of prosody. The way music and lyrics fit together and complement each other. I like to think that the production of my tracks takes the meaning of the lyrics deeper, adding another layer of meaning to a song. By creating textures and atmospheres that echo the emotions of the lyrics, I try to produce my songs in a way so that they sound like the mental state they were conceived in. As a dyslexic person, words often fail me so creating music and soundscapes allows me to channel the more abstract feelings and emotions…
Were there any challenges or obstacles you faced while creating this single?
Aside from my own insecurities around finishing it, I don’t think so. I struggle a lot in my creativity with imposter syndrome and sometimes that gets in the way of finishing tracks. But I am learning to let that go bit by bit. The more music I release, the less I feel that. I guess it's a fear around whether or not you’re able to match up and do service to the big idea or concept you had, right? I do feel that I really stepped up my production and arrangement skills on this project. I knew how I wanted this track to sound but in the process of writing, recording and producing - and mixing it - I had to learn the skills to get there. This is the first time I produced my own vocal and I had a bigger hand in the mixing this time.
What impact do you hope this single will have on your audience?
I only hope that for those that hear it and connect with it, that it offers them a branch to say, somebody feels the same, you know? I guess I’m trying to say that songwriting for me is as much about understanding myself as it is, trying to connect with other people who might be wired the same way… I have experienced some of that already so that’s really positive. I had some support for the first time with my local BBC radio station and that was a real moment. They introduced me, spoke about the song and played it in full.
Can you share a bit about your musical background and the journey that led you to where you are today?
I’d always written poetry and lyrics, before I had the skills to accompany myself. I learnt to play guitar around 19 in a church group with people much older than me - playing Eric Clapton and folk songs I’d never heard. Then I started recording myself on Garageband and uploading demos to Soundcloud. When things got more serious, I got involved with the Amy Winehouse Foundation. As part of its Amy’s Yard programme, I developed my songwriting and production skills, spending once a week working on this song in Amy’s own studio. The guitar on the track I made, it’s one of hers. That’s crazy to me and something I’d held really close. This course gave me the confidence and skills I’d lacked to then go and study songwriting at ICMP in London. This was such a dream. I spent three years in the deep end, writing songs in different genres and here I got super into electronic music. I formed a duo with my now best friend Nicole Bullet called Futuretape. We did a lot of writing together, released songs together and in lock down had some success in the very early stages of the Italian X-Factor. We made lockdown music videos to stay sane. But lockdown really affected us, and changed both our trajectories. Nicole moved back to Sicily in 2021. We still share the same musical brain and write together when we can. In many ways that change in direction spurred me on to work on and finish my own tracks, which brings me up to this new song.
Are there any upcoming projects or releases that you are particularly excited about?
For sure! Last year I worked on finishing an EP. It’s due to be released later this year. The plan is to release one more single and then release the full project. The working title is WAVESTATE and I’m interested in the idea that so much of myself and my personality rests on these .wav that sit on my computer. I have visions of my computer blowing up, breaking or my hard drive being corrupted and losing them all. I know that’s mad but I’m an existentialist and I put a lot of weight onto tracks, even the ones that aren’t finished. They gather a kind of digital dust. I’ve created a handful of soundscapes featuring some family members and an old friend of mine who has passed away. So I’m super excited to share my first long-form project.